While waiting to get 'clipped'.

Barber: Matt

Barber: Jeff

Customers: Harry, Dr. Jack, Mort, Tom and Kerry:.

(It's Friday morning.  I'm sitting in my barber's shop waiting to get 'clipped'*.  There are two barbers, Matt and Jeff, and six customers: Harry, Mort, Jack, Tom and a walk-in, Kerry.  I, Seamus, am number six.  With the din of chatter and laughter among the men, I am unable to read my book.  Matt, my barber of twenty-seven years, used to have nothing but golf related magazines neatly stacked on the magazine rack.  They have been replaced by National Review, Field and Stream, Shooting Times and The Weekly Standard magazines and the latest edition of my employer's newspaper.  My, how times have changed attitudes and reading tastes.  In my line of work, I am a political columnist for a local newspaper, I get enough political news on the job.  Today, as usual, I will use my "out of the office" time to close my eyes and listen.  I vowed long ago to not get into any heated discussions especially here, where razors are tools.  I just sit and listen to the varied opinions: usually on guns and politics, never on food or books of the month.  But today is a little different.  This is the town where I chose to live.)

*(Another "Word on the Street" in the making?)

Matt:  (Clipping Mort's hair in chair #1.)

Yeah, the fishing was great, the cabins and food were better than Ah' expected.  We did a lot of flying in floatplanes to the back waters.  The scenery was  incredible: moose, eagles, and the grizzly bears!

Mort:

D'j'a do any huntin'?  Moose?  Bear?

Matt: 

Naw.  We weren't equipped for that.  Just fishin'.

Harry

Kinda' tackle d'j'a take?

Jeff:  (Clipping Harry's hair in chair #2.)

Took different rod-and-reel combinations.  Had to be prepared for any situation.  For the rainbow trout and grayling, I brought my ultralight spinning outfit rigged with 4-pound-test line.

Matt: 

For salmon, pike, and char, Ah' took ma' medium-action spinning rig.

Jeff:

Jerry brought his 7-foot heavy rod and level wind bait-casting reel filled with 20-pound-test for the king salmon he caught.

Tom:

Mary and I boated 289 peacocks during our week on the River Plate: the largest going twenty pounds.  

Mort:

You hunted peacocks?  Those beautiful, fantastic birds we see in the zoo?  How could you do that?  They should take your gun away from you.

Tom:

Fish!  We were fishing for peacock bass on the wild and exotic Amazon River!  

Mort: 

I don't do any fishing or hunting.  What about you Dr. Jack?  Do you fish?

Dr. Jack: (Flipping through one of the magazines.) 

Nope.  Too busy. (Changing the subject.) Mort you're a Political Science professor what do you think of Obama's drone program?  Bush didn't use them often and, in my opinion, we are better off because for that.  I don't think drones in the hands of people like Cheney and Rumsfeld would have been a good idea.  Obama, Biden and Holder may be guilty of political hypocrisy, but I appreciate that they are now fighting the right enemy with the right weapon.

Harry

Ah' agree.  

Mort:

I think if we are going to vote on gun control, I think we should include denying control of drones in the hands of Tea Party politicians.

Tom:

I thought we were talking about fish!

Matt:

We were, but ...

Mort:

I think we should be talking about the food we eat.  

Jeff:

Food!  What's the matter with the food we eat?

Mort:  (Reading the newspaper he brought.)

I'm reading an article in the New York Times ...see here.... An article by Mike Moss about the science of addictive junk food.

Harry

That's what ya' get fer readin'.

Matt:

I don't eat junk food.

Jeff:

What about the Big Mac you had for lunch?

Matt:

That's not junk.  Ya' get two 100% pure, probably good Iowa beef patties, with a special sauce on a sesame seed bun.  Ya' top that with melted good old American cheese, some crisp lettuce, minced onions and grandma's pickles.  What's more American than that?

Mort:

That beef for that Big Mac you had for lunch was factory farmed and fed antibiotics and other chemicals.

Harry

Ah' been workin' cattle ranches 'n' eatin' corn fed beef all ma'h life 'n' ne'er been sick a day.

Mort: 

What about that can of Coke and the bag of Doritos corn chips you just consumed before you got in that chair?

Harry

What 'bout 'em?  Ah' drink three ta' six cans, sometimes more on hot days, ever' day.

Dr. Jack:

Every Coke should be taxed to account for all the kidney dialysis I prescribe and foot and toe and leg  amputations I and other doctors perform because of Coke's contribution to Type II diabetes.

Jeff:

He's right there.  But it's not all Coke's fault.  Doritos, even orange juice and sandwich bread can lead to Type II diabetes just as surely as smoking Marlboros lead to lung cancer.
Mort:

Says here... Food made of refined carbohydrates, from orange juice to multi-grain sandwich bread to breakfast cereal, is just as addictive as tobacco and also the source of tremendously high medical costs.  You're right there, Doc.

Tom:

Ya' know.  You may have something there.  The breakfast cereal I used to eat every day, Wheaties...

Harry

Ahhhh, The breakfast of champions.  Yeah, Ah' used to eat 'em ever' mornin'... Ah' was just a kid then....

Tom:

Anyway, as I was saying... they just didn't taste like they used to, when I was a kid.

Harry

Now, ever' mornin' Ah' have a tall stack o' flapjacks, merple serple, butter, four eggs, over easy, baiycon, sausage, Orida tater tots...

Dr. Jack:

When were you last in a doctor's office for an exam?

Harry

When Ah' had ma' tonsils tuk out.  Nineteen 'n' fifty...

Mort:

This is all happening as a result of the genetic manipulation of all our most basic foods.  Wheat is our most basic.  Wheat flour is used to make almost all of our breads.  

Matt:

Most of our breakfast cereals.  Wheaties.

Jeff:

Pancakes.  God I love my pancakes every Sunday morning.  Maple syrup.  I do have my required weekly portion of fruit on top, though.

Mort:  

We aren't eating our grandmother's wheat.  Says here that wheat has been genetically engineered to not only withstand Roundup, but to also bind to the opiate receptors in our brains so that we become addicted to it!   

Harry

D'j'u say opium?

Mort:

No.  Opiate receptors.  Dr. Jack tell him what an opiate receptor is.

(Enter Kerry.)

Dr. Jack:

Opiate receptors are a type of protein found in the brain, spinal cord and gastrointestinal tract.  They, in a sense welcome, if you will, drugs.  Opiates facilitate pain relief and stimulate the pleasure centers in our brains that signal reward.  The more you consume the drug the more you want: hence addiction.  When a person orally ingests, eats, addictive food, say sugar and today's wheat for instance, it travels quickly through the bloodstream to the brain.  The receptors say, "Hey welcome to the brain, let's have a party.  Send more drugs."  Understand, Harry?

Harry

Can we get back to drones.  Ah'd ruther be addicted ta' drones than have ma' neice or nephews wearin' the combat boots on the ground... so ta' speak.

Mort:

Many other of our basic fruits and vegetables are also being modified.  Scary!  Huh?
Tom:

I think we have either never tasted or have forgotten what real food is and it's time to pressure the industry and our so-called legislative representatives to stop poisoning us..., and our children.
Dr. Jack:

The addiction is the insulin rush from the sugar and it doesn't matter where the sugar comes from.

Matt:

A year ago, I had serious dental surgery, remember?

Jeff:

Yeah.  You were a pain in the ass.

Matt:

Yeah, I was.  For three weeks before the surgery and ten days after.  I couldn't eat nothing but ice cream, and some soup.  Wonderful, I thought, I adore chocolate ice cream.  I proceeded to eat chocolate ice cream by the half gallon... morning, noon and night.  Loved every minute of it.  Except that at the end of the ten days, when I could go back to normal food, I realized that I wanted, craved!, in the worst way, nothing but chocolate ice cream.  I wanted it so bad, so much, that I actually went out and bought two half-gallons.  What?  They were on sale!  They're not huge containers, but I ate one that night.  It was instantly clear that I had an addiction.  

Harry

You were hooked!

Matt:

But then I researched the ingredients, and understood why.  And I said, "Self, cold turkey is required here."  Which is what I did, and after a week of resisting temptation, the craving passed.  Do you know the awful things listed on the labels?  Guar gum.  What the hell is guar gum?  

Dr. Jack:

Although it is still used in small amounts as a food thickener and binder, as in ice cream, the use of guar gum as an ingredient in non-prescription diet aids was officially banned in the early 1990s by the FDA.  It would bind with liquids in the stomach and swell, causing a feeling of satisfying fullness.  This swollen mass could also cause dangerous intestinal and duodenal blockages.  Guar gum was declared ineffective and unsafe for use as a non-prescription, over the counter, diet aid.  

Harry

Do you think the cops should use drones to catch crooks?

Matt:

And my ice cream had ice structuring proteins in it.  It's prepared with a genetically modified baker’s yeast. 

Mort:

Yeast!  I thought they used that only for baking.  And then to genetically change it!  What's that all about?

Jeff:
Yeah!  These companies are no different from the tobacco companies, and until there is a serious national reaction to stop them, nothing will change. 

Tom:

Maybe it will take a guy like New Jersey's Chris Christie to do it.  

Dr. Jack:

The guy needs a serious mano a mano with his physician, and a strictly held diet.  

Mort:

I wonder to what foods he is addicted.  

Jeff:

Probably Atlantic City boardwalk junk foods.

Dr. Jack:

I have to say that I absolutely loathe the Girl Scout cookie season.  As parents of Girl Scouts, we, especially Alice, is under tremendous pressure to organize cookie sales as a way for the girls to raise funds and learn money management skills.  We know that the cookies are highly addictive and completely unhealthy.  And we knew they were contributing to the obesity problem in this country.  I can tell you right now that the most popular cookies - Thin Mints, Samoas, and Tagalongs - have the highest fat content.  Any surprise?  Or course not.  I will not allow them in my house.  It's a successful but bad business model: take advantage of little girls in their cute little uniforms, put them out there in front of the supermarket smiling and begging versus the Americans with food addictions.  But my conscience, as a doctor, screams out that this is bad news.

Jeff:

Hypocrisy rears its ugly head.

Matt:

There is nothing wrong with junk food in moderation.

Jeff:

I seriously think that addiction has now become the de facto excuse for any kind of mental or social behavior issue.

Kerry:

Are you talking about Moss's article in the times?

Mort:

Yeah.  

Kerry:

Damn.  He's right on.  The addiction to processed foods has permanently corrupted the American palate.  I don't eat the foods mentioned in the article because I find them inedible.  And most of the time indigestible.

Mort:

For a long time I couldn't eat bread from any of the local bakeries, let alone Safeway.  Safeway baked goods (I hesitate to call them 'goods') are the worst, everything on their bakery shelves tastes the same.

Kerry:

My job takes me all over the world.  Just got back to the States from Europe.  The huge assortment of "food-like stuff" here is incredible.  I would not touch any of it if I were starving.  Even some of my friends so-called home-cooked food is usually over sweet or over salted and/or just plain bland.

Matt:

Different people have different tastes.

Kerry:

I know but they eat only what they are exposed to.  

Dr. Jack:

At least, when I go to the city it is full of great Chinese, Spanish and Indian groceries and restaurants. 

Kerry:

But I have been to places in the Midwest where I literally could not find anything to eat. 

Mort:

How about studying "world foods" as an elective in high school?

Harry

Ah' want ya' ta' know Ah'm part Cherokee.  Ma' great grandma was a Cherokee.  But she weren't just no squaw.  She was kinda like a shaman, ya' know, a priest a' sorts.  She told my pappy this story and he tole' it again ta' me.  This ole' elder was teachin' his children about life.  A fight is going on inside ya',” she tole 'im.  Its a terrible battle and its between two wolves: the evil wolf 'n' the good wolf.  The evil wolf is anger 'n' envy, greed 'n' arrogance, guilt 'n' resentment, lies 'n' big ego.  A few other things Ah' cain't remember.  The other, he says, is the good wolf.  He's joy 'n' peace, love 'n' hope, humility, kindness 'n' truth, generosity, passion 'n' faith.  She looks at ma' pappy 'n' she says "The same fight is going on inside you, Jerome."  That was his name, Jerome. 'N' inside every other person you know, or will ever know.  Now Ah'm kinda slow, ya' know, so, when pappy tole' me this story, Ah' thought about it, 'n' I slept on what he said.  Next mornin' I asked him, “Which wolf is gonna' win?”  Pappy said "Why son its the one you feed.”  Ah' said, "If that evil wolf is inside me 'n' Ah' feed it, does that mean that evil wolf will kill me?"  If you want evil to win, yes.  Now Ah' don't think feedin' that wolf Doritos 'n' Coke is gonna' matter one teeny bit.  Do you?

Dr. Jack:

I don't think you understand... uh... sorry, didn't catch your name...

Harry

Harry.  Harry Rheems.  

Dr. Jack:

I don't think you understand, Harry...

Harry 

Oh, Ah' understand alright, Doc.  Ya' see, Ah' know y'all's talkin' about food, but Ah' was keepin' on drones.  Now ya' see, like you doc, I don't think drones in the hands of people like Cheeney and Rumsfeld would be a good idea.  Those two men kep' feedin' that evil wolf inside a' them all their lives, 'n' then they saw the opportunity to spread their evil.  Dubya was also feedin' his evil wolf, that was Karl Rove.  Dubya still won't apologize to us for his falsehoods, ya' know,... weapons of mass destruction.

Jeff:  (Removing the Barber apron and handing Harry a mirror.)

There you go, Harry.  How does that look?

Harry

Handsome ole' devil, ain't Ah'?  Well, fella's, Ah'm just passin' through.  On ma' way to ma' pappy's funeral north up o' here.

Matt: 

Sorry for your loss, Harry.  

Jeff:  (As Harry exits.)

Yes.  Hope to see you again, Harry.

Mort:

Strange ole' fella', huh.

Matt:

If he'd a' stayed any longer we'd all be a'talkin' lack 'im.

Dr. Jack:

He's a lot smarter than he looks.

Jeff:

Or sounds.

Mort:

Yup.

Tom:

Yes'siree, Bob.

(Lights down.)

(END)